This time last year I knew in my heart that my mother would not be here for this Christmas. At the beginning of October she succumbed to the metastatic breast cancer that had surfaced two years ago and even though I knew it was coming and thought I was prepared for it, her death and the events surrounding it were very, very painful. My mother was a beautiful woman, with a wonderful sense of humor, and as a child I adored her. I know she loved my sister and me very much. She wasn't perfect, though, and some of the choices that she made caused suffering for us all, herself included. This past year has been difficult, not only because of her illness, but also other chaotic circumstances in her life.
So, not only do I have gifts wrapped up under the tree, I also have some extra emotional baggage to deal with this Christmas time. I'm praying a lot. I'm not forcing myself to be "happy-happy-joy-joy." On the other hand, I'm trying to keep myself from wallowing in the negative feelings. Keeping busy and the Jesus Prayer have been key in that regard. I'm not feeling compelled to provide "The Complete Christmas Experience" for everybody. This year I simply want to have a spirit of peace in my own heart.
Oh, Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Oh, Sister. I love you. I think I may be getting a slight handle on my baggage. Maybe. : )
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and wanted you to know I am going through much of the same.Sorry for your loss. My Mom passed away at the end of October after a long journey with Alzheimer. First Christmas without her not easy, trying to find joy in other things. Must unload some family type baggage..not easy.
ReplyDeleteJeannette
I'll be saying a prayer for you, Jeanette.
ReplyDeleteCarlyn,
ReplyDeleteJust read your "dog daze" post. I wanted to share with you a product that we have found very effective for our golden retriever. This dog has many issues, even now at age 11. It is all natural and was recommended by a kennel. It is called Bach Rescue Remedy. Three drops in her water, and when it takes effect she becomes very mellow. If you want more detail, please send me an e-mail and I will respond. We know too well how very frustrating and costly dogs with issues can be!
Jeannette